Speaking Out Of Both Sides Of My Mouth

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I-I told myself to PICK ONE and stop dithering.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I-
I told myself to PICK ONE and stop dithering.

So lately I’ve been making a big stink about how worn out I am getting from all this durn socializin’ and how I need some time at home focusing on my quiet work.

Then what do I do? I sit down at my desk and quietly work at planning more durn socializin’.

It is like telling everybody that I’m going to give up desserts and then baking a huge batch of cookies, which¬† of course have to be eaten before they go bad. I might be addicted. To the socializing, that is, not to the cookies (although I’ve been known to make unscheduled snack breaks when cookies are involved). It is exhausting to me, but also exhilarating: as if it is some kind of extreme sport and I’m actually starting to get ¬†good at it.

This sounds like it is all good news: if I were trying to cure myself of Introversion this might seem like progress, but I know it is coming at a price. Today I divided up my bass practicing session into two half-hour shifts because I knew I had evening plans to spend time with my husband.

For the first half an hour I couldn’t focus- I knew I wasn’t going to be at it for an hour so I had trouble dedicating my brainpower to the music. It was as if someone had replaced my fingers with piano mallets; I couldn’t hit the notes to save my life.

I was so frustrated by the time I stopped that I didn’t dare say more than two words to my husband for fear of snapping at him or blaming him for something that wasn’t his fault. And there was NOTHING WRONG that I could point to and say “this is why I am in a foul mood” except that I was a bit frustrated and tired and there was still a lot of stuff I wanted to do with my evening.

It turned out that a portion of our plans fell through so I ended up with more time than I originally expected and like magic my mood lightened. We ate dinner and spent time together and I went back for the second half of my practicing and made some good progress at last.

So the moral of the story, I guess is “Pace Thyself”. I can get a lot of Introverted quiet-work done in a day or I can get a lot of Extraverted socializing done in a day but I shouldn’t expect to do both.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on April 2, 2013.

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