Maxim In The Morning


What? I can't hear you- I've been plugged into the power grid.

What? I can’t hear you- I’ve been plugged into the power grid.

Yesterday I lamented about how I couldn’t sleep.

I realize that sleeplessness or (dare I say the word: insomnia) is not exactly a rare condition, but it is usually something that happens to Other People. For me this isn’t normal. I am an excellent sleeper. If napping were an Olympic sport I would probably medal. I have, in times past, been able to fall asleep, stay asleep restfully, and wake up without an alarm exactly fifteen minutes later feeling refreshed.

And it was good, but, alas, no more.

So last night I decided to go to bed early. I took a hot shower before turning in hoping to relax my muscles enough that I would be able to take them out of gear for the night. I made an elaborate arrangement of pillows so that my legs were elevated, my neck was relaxed and my ears were mostly covered to muffle any noises that might wake me up.

I resolved that if I woke up before my alarm went off that I would get out of bed and that would be the start of my day. I reasoned that getting up extra early would help make me extra tired by the time I was ready to turn in again.

After a fidgety, uncomfortable half hour I managed to fall asleep. I dreamed, but I don’t remember what the dream was about and then I woke up.

“Ah ha!” I thought. I was all the way awake- there was no drowsy, sleepy transition from dreaming to being awake just my eyelids abruptly slamming open. “This is it! I should get out of bed right now and get an early start on the day!”

Then I looked at my clock. 12:54am.

I literally woke up earlier than I used to go to bed in college. I decided that I would give my body One More Chance to do this sleep thing and after a fidgety, uncomfortable half hour (again) I managed to fall asleep (again).  I dreamed (again) but now I don’t remember what the dream was about and then I woke up.

“Ah ha!” I thought, once again all the way awake. “Certainly it must only be an hour or so before my alarm would normally go off anyway- I should go ahead and get up.”

I looked at my clock. 2:56am.

I decided that was the best I was going to be able to do for the night and went ahead and got up.

Even though I’d decided that if I woke up early I would get up and start my day I hadn’t really given much thought to what exactly I would do in that eventuality. It was meant to be the kind of empty ultimatum that would goad my subconscious into letting me sleep normally: help me sleep or else!

So there I was in the living room in my underwear trying to think of something to do that wouldn’t make any noise and that would keep me from getting sleepy (I was awake and I was going to STAY that way now that I was out of bed). My eyes fell on the growing stalagmite of magazines accumulating on the living room hutch. My husband keeps signing up for them because they are free, but I never had any time to read them.

Until now.

So that is how I came to read a Maxim from cover to cover in the small hours of the morning. It wasn’t hard- Maxim isn’t exactly high literature- but I now know how to spit a lamb, all about the actress that played Topanga on “Boy Meets World”, the world inside a MMA club for veterans and a brief oral history of the Celebrity Roast.

Are you happy now Insomnia? This is what you have unleashed upon the world.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on April 11, 2013.

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