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Tomorrow I head back home to Los Angeles but that will mean leaving sweet home Chicago.

My mind is very mixed up right now: I am homesick for both the place where I will be going and the place I haven’t left yet. This trip has stirred up some strong feelings that I haven’t had to deal with for a long time. My weight, for instance, has not greatly bothered me for months and yet for the past few days it seems like it has been all that I can think about. Weight and body image: how pale my skin is, how hairy my legs are, how many moles I never noticed before, and so on. It’s not that anyone has said anything overtly critical even: I’m just the biggest girl in my family and it evidently makes me more self conscious than I ever realized.

I think this is my first trip back to Chicago-home where I haven’t had an enormous project that I was responsible for accomplishing like a film shoot or a film premiere. I already lamented yesterday about feeling like my life has not been my own all week but I guess I didn’t realize how much that stresses me out: to be responsible for helping someone plan a wedding without having any control over the decisions that needed to be made. We spent the afternoon working on making a veil for my sister. There were four of us there and three of us were reasonably accomplished stitchers all trying to cut and gather one wretched piece of tulle. I wanted to be helpful but mostly I helped by keeping my fat gob shut about how it seemed like a lot more work than was strictly necessary. It wouldn’t have been helpful and I probably didn’t know how to make a veil any better than anyone else who was there.

Afterwards I went for a much needed and much guilt ridden run. The guilt came from the feeling that I was letting people down by taking time away from” helping” but it needed to be done.

It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes when I run I become aware that I am running away from something: a sadness or an uncertainty that sometimes finds me when I don’t expect it. It’s not like I can escape these feelings when they happen- running doesn’t make them go away, but it does let me get out from under them for a while so that I can think about how to deal with them.

It is hard to say whether the sadness right now is a longing for home or sorrow about leaving. The stress of being a helper competes with the stress of work left undone for the duration of my travels. There are probably no real answers to be had even if I wanted to find them but I think that would defeat the point: that times like these happen because sometimes we just need to feel things that have no reason behind them.

It’s just nice to know that feelings can be outrun.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on May 14, 2013.

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