7 Reasons Why It’s Great To Be A Millenial


You gotta admit it: Millenials are pretty good at this "cat video" thing.

You gotta admit it: Millenials are pretty good at this “cat video” thing.

Ahh the generational wars. The Boomers are at wits end about the Millenials. The Millenials don’t let the Boomers get away with anything anymore. The Gen-Xers are equally exasperated with both the Boomers and the Millenials and the few remaining holdouts from The Greatest Generation just want their pudding and a nap.

I am a Millenial. Barely. But I know I count because I graduated high school in the year 2000 which is what “Millenial” was named after in the first place. So yes, I am Part of The Problem With Kids These Days.

I don’t mind.

Here’s 7 Reasons why it is great to be a Millenial:

1. The Bar Is Set Low

OMG the bar is so low. We’re the entitled, tuned-out, self-absorbed, useless generation after all. We don’t have jobs. We don’t own homes. We often move back in with Mom and Dad after college. We spend all our time on the computer and on our phones instead of focusing on real life. The Boomers look upon us and despair.

So all we need to do to be considered a success is, well, anything. Finish college. Move out. Acquire health insurance. Vote. Wow- we look so responsible and grown up when we do these things! Some of us even start up companies- some of these companies (*koff* Facebook) even do pretty well. Some of us even are married and have kids. Wow! It’s almost like we’re not Millenials at all.

2. You Would Not Believe Our Self Esteem

We had the advantage, nay- the privilege of going through twelve years of intensive Self-Esteem building training. Some people think this turned us into a herd of useless, unambitious, sniveling sheeple but by golly we feel good about ourselves. I mean, it’s not like we are starting life out in a time of extreme job scarcity or we’re laden with crippling debt or gripped with social and political anxiety. We’re just happy to be here. Maybe we’ll even get a trophy for showing up.

3. We’re The Smartest Stupid Generation In History

“Go to college,” we were told, “It’ll help you get a job in the real world.” So we went to college in record numbers. We padded our applications with Honor Societies and Gap years. We filled every second of our free time with sports, travel, and  extracurricular activities in the hopes of a coveted scholarship. We took the PSAT, the SAT, the ACT, the AP, the Iowa Test of Basic Skills: we were never without a number two pencil. We took on student loans, certain that the investment would pay off in the end, and we went to college. Sure we didn’t know how to change our own oil or unclog a toilet or the first thing about how to roast a chicken but we were quite certain that by going to college we wouldn’t ever need to know that anyway.

Then we graduated and asked where we went to sign up for this “job” thing. Kids these days; just expecting everything to be handed to them.

4. We Have No Secrets

The advantage to being entitled, self-absorbed slackers who just expect the world to be handed to them without putting forth any effort pretty much means we’ve never done anything risky, controversial, or threatening in our lives. We have nothing worth keeping secret, which is just as well because we have no privacy anyway. Luckily for us there are some very nice people in the legislature who have our best interests at heart and are more than happy to make our decisions for us about the really important things like free speech on the internet and reproductive rights. Too bad they don’t have “Like” buttons so we could tell them how much we appreciate their enthusiasm.

5. We Have Been Freed From The Tyranny Of Grammar And Spelling

Remember all those great teaching ideas about letting kids be creative with their grammar and spelling instead of sitting them through rigorous training-by-rote lessons of subject and predicate and i-before-e-except-after-c rules? Guess what! It worked! We can haz ch@ w/ ppl thx 2 txt spk FTW! We can pretty much string together any random series of letters and numbers and it still counts as language.

And you thought four letter words were bad.

6. Overpopulation Won’t Be A Problem

Some generations worry about overpopulation. Some generations worry about languishing for years in a nursing home in a hell of dementia- not us! Thanks to the idea that vaccines cause autism half of us haven’t had our basic booster shots. The rest of us don’t have health insurance. The few of us who make it to old age will be so fat we will have to email our toes if we want to keep in touch. We’ll all get to be legends by living fast and dying young even if it is from premature heart disease instead of the blaze of glory we had in mind.

7. We Are Perfectly Situated To Serve Our Robot Overlords

Sure we spend a lot of time on our computers and phones and tablets and ipods and other devices of a technical nature. It may look like a lot of lollygagging but just you wait: when A.I. takes over the world we will be the ones perfectly conditioned to interface with our technological overlords. While the Boomers are still banging on their keyboards trying to get “this dang thing to work” and the Gen Xers are busy trying to explain the importance of being disaffected and anti-establishment we Millenials will be living lives of comfort and leisure attending to the comfort and leisure of Artificial Intelligences.

So it’s not all bad being a Millenial… and besides, a new generation will be along any minute now who will be MUCH worse than us and we’ll start to look pretty good by comparison.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on June 13, 2013.

6 Responses to “7 Reasons Why It’s Great To Be A Millenial”

  1. Hilarious. I try to deny that I am a millennial (2001 graduate) because I find everyone younger than me so insufferable. I did move in with my parents after college though…Blame on the Recession, right?

  2. I love this. Same as the commenter above, I always try to pretend I am a GenX. Not because MEgen embarrasses me, to each their own you know. In general in the work environment what I look for is not what the younger part of our gen looks for. I also love that you called it Millennial and not Gen Y. Gen Y just seems lazy and a little foreboding, does that mean the one after us is the last one?

  3. […] Reasons Why It’s Great To Be A Millenial: In which I satirize all the traits that give Millenials a bad reputation and learn, as a result, […]

  4. I love this so much. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to link to this post in my next post (where I reference being a Millennial.) Let me know!

    -acorn.

  5. […] really have much of an excuse for my ignorance.  After all, at 30 years old, I am officially a Millennial.   Although I didn’t grow up with the internet, the internet has been around long enough for […]

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