Drinks Aisle

I'm not sure that "Sars" is the kind of refreshment that I am looking for.

I’m not sure that “Sars” is the kind of refreshment that I am looking for.

I am not a shopper.

Women are supposed to love shopping, but not me. I am a buyer. That is to say I go into a store already knowing what I am going to get; I go straight to the items I want and purchase them without a lot of perusal of alternative options. Grocery shopping is a surgical procedure: a biopsy of Groceries from the viscera of the Supermarket. As a result there are entire aisles in which I rarely set foot. The Drinks Aisle is one of these aisles.

In general I consider The Drinks Aisle to be The Liquid Candy Aisle. On a rare occasion I will treat myself to an energy drink or a bottle of fruit juice or even a rare and coveted Dr Pepper (full octane- if I’m going to drink a soda I might as well go all in). So drinks are treats.

One of my goals for June is to run fourteen miles in one day. Today is that day. One of the perks of distance running is that it is ok to reward yourself with sugary treats because your body legitimately needs that instant energy to recuperate. So I decided I would go ahead and pick up some Gatorade to have on hand as incentive for the big run. This necessitated an adventure into uncharted Drinks territory.

For a targeted shopper like myself a walk down the Drinks Aisle is like a walk down the Las Vegas strip. Progress is slow and full of rubbernecking in an attempt to read unlikely names on neon colored surfaces. There is a great deal of “Really? That’s a thing?” and “It’s made out of what?” and “I’m supposed to DRINK that?”

For example if you are looking for a bottle of water you will have to choose between distilled, flat, spring, mineral, carbonated, flavored-not-sweetened, sweetened with sugar, sweetened with sugar substitute (splenda, stevia, etc), flavored-and-sweetened, fortified with electrolytes, flavored-and-sweetened-with-electrolytes, with vitamin D, with B vitamins, with added protein, caffeinated, and with color added.

Or you can just get a Vitamin Water which is pretty much all of the above and comes in any color of the rainbow.

Vitamin Water is the gateway drink into the energy drinks. The energy drink spectrum ranges from energy shots to neon colored Gatorades (or colorless Gatorade is now available) to the carbonated Powerades to the fortified Monster/Rockstar canned energy drinks where it is important to know your Guaranine from your Taurine from your Ginseng from your Selenium.

Beyond there lies a territory of  unholy halfbreed energy drink/coffee/soda beverages which may or may not have originated in a meth lab.I have never dared to try any of these: I fear they would burst into flames in direct contact with sunlight.

Then comes the sodas. Then teas. Then lemonades. The fruit juice.

What?! Will this line stretch on to th' crack of doom?!

What?! Will this line stretch on to th’ crack of doom?!

After twenty minutes of perusal I was still deliberating the relative merits of Water. All I wanted was something with electrolytes: not a lot of colors and flavors. Then I discovered I could accomplish this goal without taking another step: squeezed onto a shelf between a Drink Ball (grape flavored) and a case of spring water was a small cardboard box of individually wrapped packets of powdered electrolytes.


So we will see how well these packets work out, but if they save me from the Drinks Aisle again then I already consider them a success.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on June 29, 2013.

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