Autocorrect Knows Best (Autocracy Knows Newest- Revised)


Yesterday I wrote a post on my phone without correcting any of the autocorrect suggestions. It got the point across in the broad strokes, but where it went wrong it went really far afield so I thought I would present the unadulterated version. For comparison, I’ll include the autocorrected words in brackets beside the actual words.

Let’s talk about technology for a bit: I want to like it, I really do, but it seems like at every turn it [out] is causing me problems. In the case of autocorrect [airport] it [or] even likes to put [pour] words in my mouth. This problem would be funny if it weren’t so pervasive. Nearly every sentence I write [wrote] requires numerous changes too get the [three] message across.

It probably doesn’t help that I hate touchscreen technology in the first place. I don’t know if I have fat [fast] fingers our just poor [pour] conductivity in [inn] my hands but I have a terrible time interfacing with a touchscreen. I hate that I can’t do anything without looking at the screen: I can’t ignore a call while driving or turn off [of] the morning alarm by touch when it’s still dark and I  haven’t put in [our inn] my contact lenses yet. On top [yup] of that I have an [san] irrational aversion to leaving fingerprints on public surfaces. Something about the fact that computers are so able to scan and read fingerprints at the briefest swipe gives [Hobbes] me [more] the heebie jeebies [genie keyboard]. I know the technology exists: it is how I log into my laptop.

But paranoia aside I hate that the technology that it’s supposed to make life easier just gets in the way. I used to hate typing on the phone because I [of] always fat [fast] finger whatever letter I was aiming for. That was annoying. Then for a brief moment I was completely in love with Swype [Swarthmore] technology where I could type without picking my finger up […] and that was much easier except that now it […] gives my autocorrect [architects] free reign to pick words [efforts] out of thin air [about] and insert them into my message. It seems especially fond [font] of inserting proper names: usually men’s names into texts to my husband so [ado] a quick note to let him [book] know that I’m headed to the van to drive home turns into a tidbit of questionable gossip.

The errors that it […] seems to have the most trouble with are the short little connector words like it [outs] or an or the or my [many] or in. You know: the words [editor’s] you [thou] use [just] in just about every sentence to tie [type] the big [bit] important words [writers] together in a meaningful way.

It also likes to change the wrote “you” into “thou” making we [mine] sound hardcore medieval [mineral] as if my [mangy] texts were coming from the mouth of god or something. Technology will make fools [folks] of us all I suppose.

I suppose that by now we are all [wet state ask] familiar enough with the ways autocorrect [skyrocket] likes to mangle text messages with websites like Damn You Autocorrect [Damon You Skyrocket] (which is site that consistently makes me guffaw out loud  [Louis], not just smirk in [inn] quiet appreciation). But [Bit] even with everyone generally knowing how words that we type in a text [treat] message are likely to get changed it doesn’t make it any [wasn’t] easier to interpret that message: especially if the message was sent in a hurry, while walking, on a bus [bits], furtively, or in a state of strong emotion or anxiety… which is pretty [it’s pet] much every [server] text message that I send.  Nevermind if [Negative I’d] I weren’t actually tying to get the message across quickly I would sit [shoot] at a computer with a keyboard to type on [or] instead of stabbing at a touchscreen like a four year [for treat] old in a button factory.

Well, that’s enough of a rant for now: this attempt hadn’t been bad as [ad] some of my [many] usual attempts, but I think you [thou] get my point even you can’t understand every third our fourth point I am trying to make.

… reading this post [kind] I might need to post a follow up [yup] to translate everything i was trying to say so you can see just how far off some off these sentences are: everything actually does make sense, I swear [sweat].

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on October 18, 2013.

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