The Next Level


“Now, HERE, you see, It takes all the running YOU can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!” -Lewis Carroll (artwork by LimKis on deviantart… I’m just borrowing it cuz it’s so darn perfect)

It has been a while now since I’ve really had a chance to sit back and consider whether or not I’ve been staying on track with my goals. Partly I take this to be a good sign because it means that I have enough going on that I don’t have a lot of time to dwell on things, but on the other hand it makes me feel out of touch with the things that were important to me before I went plunging into classes.

Although I feel like I’ve been running like crazy it is difficult to tell exactly how much ground I have covered. Towards the end of last week I screened my “P1” project (Project 1, that is: a short film with no dialogue that we were fully in control of). I felt pretty good about it, over all: it was a nice simple concept and I was hoping it would get a few laughs. But when the screening was over I had this curious feeling of… “meh”. I didn’t feel good like I’d hoped. I didn’t feel bad like I’d feared. But mostly I didn’t really feel like my work had changed significantly from work that I’d done before.

Wondering whether I simply hadn’t brought out the best in my own work I went back to the post production lab the next day to see if I could fine tune it. Eight hours later (because going into the post production lab is like going into a time warp) I felt better about how it looked and sounded, but that worrisome sense of creative stasis still hovered in the back of my mind. My goals going into graduate school was to make bolder choices and to experiment and to learn How Things Are Done Properly and yet here I was still producing work that didn’t seem much different than work I’d already one.

Listen, I know I spend a lot of time on this blog lamenting about fears and failures and talking about anxiety and how I feel like I’m not doing anything right. It makes me sound like a nervous wreck. OK, well it’s true, but it’s not as bad as all that: I DO also realize that I’m downloading an enormous amount of information into my brain and leaping forward enormously with my understanding of the filmmaking process. And I actually feel pretty good over all. I feel like I’m holding my own, but I want to be moving to the Next Level and it doesn’t seem to be happening yet.

The problem may be that I just don’t have a good sense of what the Next Level should look like. Perhaps I need to dedicate some time and thought to what I want that kind of accomplishment to look like so that I’ll have some point of reference to know whether I am getting closer to it or not.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on October 20, 2013.

One Response to “The Next Level”

  1. I feel like I got hit by a comet or something. You initially sounded so successful and carefree like some fantasy. Now, you’re going to school and consumed with some strange anxiety while juggling this other life like a secret identity. Or, maybe I am just too tired to know what I am saying and should button my cyber lip:P

    Actually, I saw the picture and wanted to ask what exactly is she doing? How does that relate to Lewis Carroll?

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