Californians In Pickup Trucks

Really. I never would have seen you there without them.

Really. I never would have seen you there without them.

In general I like Californians. And in general I like pickup trucks and the people who drive them. But I hate Californians in pickup trucks.

Driving in front of a Californian in a Pickup Truck is like barely outrunning an oncoming train with a pair of arc-light spotlights strapped to the front. Driving beside a Californian in a Pickup Truck is like trying to drive alongside a two ton elementary schoolyard bully who either wants to stay half a step behind you so he can step on your heels or half a step in front of you so that he can jump in front of you at any moment, slam on the brakes, and demand your milk money. And driving behind a Californian in a Pickup Truck is an exercise in self restraint to not chase that bastard down for cutting you off- unless it is a pickup truck that has been converted for scrap metal collection in which case it is an exercise in leaving enough distance so that every time they slam on their brakes you aren’t a victim of death by debris.

Now, like all sweeping generalizations there are probably many exceptions to this rule. It’s just an observation. I’ve started avoiding them on the road as much as it is possible to do so in a car-centric urban environment. It’s almost as if pickup trucks are some kind of compensating mechanism for masculine virility. A way for the rich and pampered to get back in touch with that salt-of-the-earth-works-with-his-hands-and-has-a-job-with-a-drill style masculine ideal.

The worst offenders are the ones that have been jacked up onto off-road tires to the height of approximately twenty feet with a self-impressed gleam and at least one bumper sticker. It’s the vehicular equivalent to a college junior on the Jersey shore.  “Look at me, baby!” they seem to say “I am an impressive specimen of man! See how loud and aggressive I can be!?! Are you looking? WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING AT ME! DON’T YOU SEE MY BUMPER STICKER?! IT’S FRIGGEN AWESOME!!”

Yes. I see you. That’s very nice, dear.

I drive a minivan.

To reiterate: I don’t want to denigrate Californians, whom I have found to be surprisingly cheerful and welcoming people, and I don’t want to denigrate pickup trucks which are a solid and hardworking vehicle that can fulfill many roles and do many jobs. But if I never had to encounter another Californian in a pickup truck on the roads again I wouldn’t be too sad either.


~ by Gwydhar Gebien on November 25, 2013.

3 Responses to “Californians In Pickup Trucks”

  1. […] Californians In Pickup Trucks ( […]

  2. Apparently you have never driven in front of a Texas pick-up!

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