Five Minutes Free Fall


Wait, I don't understand- you mean this isn't normal?

Wait, I don’t understand- you mean this isn’t normal?

We were catching up on an episode of NCIS last night  when we happened to notice a promotional spot for the upcoming Victoria Secret Fashion Show. Now, it’s pretty rare that we get to watch television live. Occasionally, like today, it means that we have to avoid Facebook in order to avoid spoilers on season finales (Wehaven’tseenSonsofAnarchyseasonfinaleyetlalalalalalalalala!). Mostly it means that by the time we see a promotional spot for an upcoming show that episode has already aired.

But it just so happened that our show would be ending just a few minutes before the fashion show was scheduled to begin so we switched over the channel to tune in.

I’ve never actually watched the Victoria Secret Fashion show. Mostly by the time I find out about it I have to catch up on pictures in US weekly or OMG! online. (I know, it’s shameful. I sometimes eat junk food too.) The wings are always the most impressive part to me, and if there happens to be a lingerie clad supermodel holding them up, well, someone has to do it.

I very quickly learned that there is a BIG difference between looking at photographs of the fashion show and watching it on television. We watched for about five minutes in total: long enough to watch six or seven UK themed models strut their stuff while Taylor Swift and Fall Out Boy did a number in the background. I couldn’t help but think that there were probably some tensions on stage considering that a Rock Star and a Pop Star and six or seven Victoria Secret Angels were vying for the same spotlight.

Then the show turned to interviews with the models and “what do they look for in a Victoria’s Secret model”, which they proceeded to claim was “beautiful healthy girls” while sidestepping the fact that they were all eighteen, size zero with big boobs and amazing tans. I found myself making a few editorial comments until a little voice in my head said: “shut up already- you’re starting to sound SUPER defensive.” I bit down on the impulse, hard, but it was too late: I was defensive. I’d been watching for five minutes and my self esteem was in free-fall. I was actually considering not eating for a day- wondering how many days of not eating I would need to go in order to look like that. Wondering how bad, really, it would be to do a little tanning. These were self-image problems that I’d fought with and, I thought, conquered- learning to be satisfied (even happy!) with being a size twelve with big flat feet and skin that would always be a lighter shade of beige.

The Curmudgeonly Lion quickly lost interest in listening to the models talk, or else noticed that I was getting sour about the whole affair and mercifully suggested that we turn it off. Which I did. Five minutes in free fall was more than enough. It’s safe to say that I will never be a Victoria’s Secret model, but I think that’s OK: it’s safe to say that they will never be me, either.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on December 11, 2013.

One Response to “Five Minutes Free Fall”

  1. You’re joking right? Five minutes of natural UV without suncreen and you’d burst into flames! (but that MIGHT complement your haircolor….)

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