Sapped


 

Over the weekend I went to a series of screenings of student films. All the films were made in the same class that I will be taking in the spring the infamous “508” class, so I was anxious to see what kind of results I could expect, and I wanted to put on a good face for my future professors. There were 59 films in total, shown over the course of two days in four hour blocks. Followed by a reception. Smack dab in the middle of the day on both Saturday and Sunday.

I wanted to make the most of the screenings, I really did, but by the time they were over I was completely sapped of energy. On Saturday I didn’t even stay for the reception: I just went home and passed out for two hours. On Sunday I managed to stay for a little while but my tolerance for small talk approached zero very quickly.

More than anything I wanted to be alone. It has been a long time since this impulse has been so explicit, and it was extremely unfortunate that it had to manifest itself on the weekend when socializing was so key: Friday was orientation for the next semester followed by an end-of-term-blowing-off-steam party, followed by Saturday and Sunday’s screenings. I began to get that lonely feeling that I had at the beginning of the semester when I worried that no one would want to be my friend- only this time I was sure that it was just the result of anxiety and not the result of me being an unlikeable person.

At every turn we are being told of how stressful and tiring the next semester is going to be: how much we are going to fight with our teammates, how difficult production is going to be, how we will never get to see family or friends, etc. I’ve suspected for some time that this is a bit of an over-sell to set our expectations especially low so that we won’t overbook ourselves or expect to float by with no effort. The result is that I am even more wound up with anxiety going into the semester than I was before. I find myself going out to social situations because I think it will help assuage the nerves and instead find myself hating every minute of it and going home exhausted.

For all this talk about needing to get an early start I think what I really need is to chill the fuck out and worry about next semester when next semester actually begins.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on December 16, 2013.

One Response to “Sapped”

  1. Bill’s recommendation was always “Don’t Pre-Panic”. I pass this along to you.

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