Bad Break

It's a blog, after all, what did you expect?

It’s a blog, after all, what did you expect?

So it turns out I’m REALLY bad at this vacation thing.

Regular readers may have noticed a paucity of updates over the past few days: five days to be exact- the longest gap in my writing in the past fifteen months. And you would think that I have no excuse: I’m on spring break, after all, so I can’t blame classes. We didn’t go anywhere so I can’t blame travel. We didn’t go into the vacation with any plans at all. It should have been very relaxing. I had these visions of staying home, writing a little bit in the morning- going for a run in the afternoon, maybe reading a book or two.

That would have been nice.

There seem to be two philosophies of vacation: there are the people who vacation by doing nothing and people who vacation by packing in as much fun as they possibly can. We intended to be the former. Our vacation ended up being the latter. And I feel bad griping about it: it was a lot of fun- we got to go to the beach, a film festival, a real movie in a real theatre, a comedy club, we had family over for St Paddy’s Day dinner, and I even got to spend the week with the Curmudgeonly Lion- who took the week off from work so that we could be together. All of it was AMAZING stuff and stuff I hardly ever get to do thanks to the intensity of my school schedule, but it didn’t leave a lot of time to do nothing.

Isn’t that the whiniest whine about a vacation ever? That you did too much fun stuff?

This is why I’m bad at vacation: I get this idea in my head that vacation time is “My Time” and that I should be able to do whatever I want with it. And when I’ve been deeply, intensely invested in a social working environment like film production, the idea of having time to call my own that I could spend in solitary contemplation of my navel while eating chips off my chest is a rare and precious jewel that makes me wring my miserly, covetous hands in greedy delight. So relinquishing precious hours of this personal time makes me regretful for all the things I could not be doing instead. And then I feel guilty for feeling regretful while trying to have fun. Then I feel angry at myself for feeling guilty about feeling regretful. Then I get depressed because I’m angry- helplessly- for feeling guilty and and regretful. Then I get anxious because I’m thinking of all the thingsĀ  I’m not doing.

And then I blog about it.

So I’m looking forward for vacation to be over. I’m looking forward to going back on “School Time” so that I can blame my stress and weariness on classes instead of on my own, self-induced regrets. I’m looking forward to feeling like I’ve scored a victory when I manage to squeeze in a run or a blog instead of feeling like I’ve failed when I don’t get around to doing either during my free time.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on March 23, 2014.

One Response to “Bad Break”

  1. I’m really bad at vacations, too. I thought some time off from work might be what I needed to help my depression and it turned into 8 days of not wanting to move and being sad. :/

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