Feel It In My Bones

Storms a-comin'- Feel it in my trick knee.

Storms a-comin’- Feel it in my trick shoulder.

There is a chill in the air that I haven’t felt in a long time. It feels like late October.  The clouds were low and threatened rain all day but never let loose with any gusto. I can’t help but feel like it might still be coming, though: there is a twinge in my hip that I haven’t felt in a few years now and my neck, which sometimes goes out on me, gave me a warning shot during the afternoon.

Not that my aches and pains have ever been terribly reliable at predicting the weather.

Bad weather is not my biggest worry. The storm that I worry about it an emotional one, not an atmospheric one. The last time my hip hurt like this I was in the middle of a depressive period that I couldn’t shake for months. At the time we had just moved across the country and I didn’t yet have anything to focus my attention on, so the fact that all I wanted to do was lie around in bed like a lump wasn’t a very big obstacle in the face of Getting Things Done. I suppose it might even have been the cause. But still I worry that I might fall back into that same torpor whilst in the middle of a busy semester like this one: my energy is already pretty well spent on keeping on task- I’m not sure where I would find the energy to motivate myself as well.

I worry, but I do my best to put it out of my mind. It’s easy to be overwhelmed if you spend all your time thinking about how overwhelmed you are. This is the kind of confirmation bias that sells books like “The Secret”- for better or for worse. So I’m going to choose to believe that these aches and pains are actually just part of the weather and I’m going to focus on getting things done instead of focusing on how much it is that I have to do.

By this reasoning, today was actually pretty productive. I sat and wrote for a few hours. I did the laundry (sort of: the dryer wouldn’t dry it). I went for a run. If I can just stay focused on the things that I do accomplish then I believe that I will be fine.


~ by Gwydhar Gebien on March 1, 2015.

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