I Don’t Want A F*#$ing YouTube Channel



Now those are words that I will almost inevitably eat later.

I’m so sick of hearing about YouTube channels. I’m so sick of hearing about “phenoms” who have millions of views and hundreds of thousands of followers and they’re only sixteen and they only talk about makeup tips or shopping or sometimes nothing at all. I’m so tired of having my attention directed to this giant media heap that is Teh Internet and being told that “There’s Gold In Them Thar Hills”. Duh. I know this. Everybody knows this. If I had the foggiest idea how to be acquiring said gold from aforementioned hills then I would already be goddamn doing it.

The fact that I am not an internet phenom with millions of viewers and hundreds of thousands of followers and a big fat check rolling in from ads and sponsorships is evidence of one of two things:  either I don’t know how to make it work for me or I can’t make it work for me. In either case, this makes me stupider than a sixteen year old talking about makeup tips.

Lets explore the options.

Option 1: I don’t know how to make it on the Internet.

I don’t know the audience. I don’t know the algorithms. Every day I grow another day closer to aging myself out of the target audience. I don’t know the magic formula of You Won’t Believe These 36 Things That Happen Next clickbait title writing techniques. I don’t follow shit. I write a blog but it isn’t about anything. When I have an opinion on something I keep it to myself because I wasn’t raised by goddamn wolves.

You know, mostly.

Option 2: I can’t make it on the Internet.

I don’t like the sound of my own voice. I don’t want to star in my own videos. I don’t have enough ideas to produce anything meaningful on a weekly basis. Monthly is pretty hard too. I know. I’ve tried. I’m not already a celebrity. I have no patience for Twitter.

I’ve got so much going for me- why am I not famous yet?

Let me be clear about one thing: I’m not too proud to make content for the internet. I’m not above fart jokes. I’m not above pratfalls. I’m not above advertising. I’m not above any of this shit. But just because I have the ability to produce crap doesn’t mean that I or the world would be any better off if I did. If I’m going to tell fart jokes then I want them to be good fart jokes. Well-crafted fart jokes. Fart jokes that expand humankind’s knowledge of the subject or deepens their understanding of their existing human condition. Otherwise what’s the point? To pile on what everybody else has already done because everybody is doing it? To produce fart jokes just for the sake of producing hot air? To make a copy of a copy of a copy?

Nobody is going to click on that either.

I find myself faced with a choice: I can either dedicate myself wholeheartedly to producing Content (It’s always Content- never “stories” or “films” or “jokes” or “essays”). for Teh Internet- pouring money and time and energy and years of my life and sleepless nights and heartburn and heartache in the hopes that “if I build it they will come” or I can dedicate that same money/time/energy/years/insomnia/heartburn/heartache into something that is meaningful to me, crafted to the best of my abilities and expands- even incrementally- the body of storytelling available to us as a human race. It could even be a fart joke.

I want to choose the second. This means passing up a lot of Gold in Them Thar Hills. I want to be wealthy and I want to be famous, but more than that I want to do something meaningful with the precious minutes of my life. I don’t want to spend my life pursuing gold only to discover that I can never have it, or worse, that I will acquire it only to find the victory to be hollow and the irretrievable minutes of my existence lost in the pursuit of empty riches.

I waste enough time on the internet as it is.


~ by Gwydhar Gebien on March 11, 2015.

One Response to “I Don’t Want A F*#$ing YouTube Channel”

  1. You know, George Lucas isn’t a YouTube celebrity and he seems to be doing okay.

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