Amazing: the right camera angle really disguises the bags under my eyes.

I’ve missed a few days of writing so I feel like I have to make the effort tonight even though it is already late.

Sunday was a shoot for a directing scene that I was working on for class. The shoot went well but longer than I anticipated and by the time the Curmudgeonly Lion and I got home afterwards we were both so tired that we oozed onto the couch long enough to watch “Game of Thrones” through lidded eyes and then collapsing into bed.

Monday I spent the day assisting on classes during the daytime and presenting a final pitch for my producing class in the evening. The pitch didn’t go badly, but neither was it a slam dunk. By the time class was over I was so tired I didn’t know which end was up and went home feeling defeated in a fight that I didn’t even know I was contending in.

The more overtired I get the more I drill away at my self worth. In recent years this layer of self worth has gotten a lot thicker and harder and I can push myself a lot longer and farther than I ever could before, but still underneath it all is a black radiating mass of disproportionate self doubt, anger, fear, and misery. Whenever I drill too close to this hidden black center I begin to understand why people become addicts or codependent or compulsive perfectionists because there is a lot that I would do to never feel that way again. And it would be an easy feeling to avoid or confront if it came from something outside of myself: if I could assign blame to an outside antagonist for making me feel bad then I could deal with the situation as an actionable problem to be solved. Instead this is a part of me that I carry around with me; buried, perhaps, or otherwise channeled and contained, but never gone.

I suspect that it is a part of everyone. I suspect that it is part of human nature. I suspect that the meaning of life comes from this dark and toxic thing that lives inside us motivating us to be better, stronger, cleverer creatures than our most basic inclinations.

At any rate, I find myself motivated to keep moving in spite of my weariness and my setbacks real or perceived. For now, though, it is late and I have some weariness to attend to.


~ by Gwydhar Gebien on April 21, 2015.

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