I always knew I had a big head.

I always knew I had a big head.

If you want to add urgency to any situation, just add a dying battery into the mix.

My laptop says that I have twenty five minutes of batter life in which to write something so I need to be efficient. I could just get up and plug it in except that I am:

  1. very lazy  at heart
  2. nursing two blistered feet at the moment.

Now that the days are getting longer it is possible for me to work a full day, drive home in rush hour traffic, and still have enough daylight left to change clothes and go out for a run. It’s a fleeting opportunity that I am trying to take advantage of as much as possible but my body is getting wise to my plan (see fig. 1) and throwing up as many roadblocks to running as possible (see: fig. 2).

So it wasn’t an easy or inspiring run. Once again I’ve been struggling with my self image, particularly my weight, and while running may not be the solution it at least feels like I’m doing something constructive. I know where the struggles are coming from: I’ve been watching too many shows with sleek, beautiful twenty year olds filling the screen. It’s difficult to see so many beautiful girls and to not compare oneself to them- even if it is an apples-to-oranges comparison. I’m nearly thirty-three: I’m never going to look like a twenty year old. I looked like I was thirty three when I was a twenty year old.

This is a fact that I accept.

The struggle that I have is the implication that if you’re not twenty then you’re not beautiful and if you’re not beautiful when you are twenty then you’ve lost your chance and you’re never going to be beautiful. The implication is that beauty is an equation in which beauty is directly proportional to youth.

This is a fact that I reject.

Why should this matter so much to me? Why do I value beauty so much when there are other, more worthy qualities that deserve my attention? Because ninety percent of the time I want to be smart and respected but ten percent of the time I just want to be pretty and liked. I’m only human after all.

So I run.



~ by Gwydhar Gebien on May 20, 2015.

One Response to “Distortion”

  1. You’re one of the most beautiful people I know. And I distinctly remember at my college graduation someone not knowing who of you, me and Whit were the youngest or oldest. I remember because I was excited to be considered among your ranks.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: