(D)rain


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The soothing sound of falling water.

There was thunder before dawn. It had been so long since I last heard thunder that it took me a while to recognize what I was hearing; not least because I was half asleep at the time. Rain followed: a steady drizzle that lasted all day and made more noise dripping from the roof ledges than actually falling as raindrops. It was a pleasant change of pace.

I never thought that I would have such nostalgia for rainy days. Then again, I never thought rainy days would be so hard to come by: sunny Los Angeles is one thing, Los Angeles on year four of a drought is something else. It made me wish that we had a cabin with a porch so that I could sit outside all day.

I made an effort to enjoy it. The sound of the rain was very relaxing although my mind spent most of the day trying to coil inward on itself with helpless worry.

Why do I worry so much?

It’s easy to be pithy with sentiments of “worrying never helps anything so why bother” and “don’t sweat the small stuff and its all small stuff” and “don’t worry, beshappy cuz every little thing gonna be alright”. Rationally I believe these arguments. I consider myself to be a rational person, yet the worry seems to come bubbling up from the drains of my mind like black water sewage soaking everything in stink and decay. The Worry doesn’t care that it does no good or that every little thing gonna be alright or that it’s all small stuff: the Worry is like having a schoolyard bully whose gotten ahold of your adrenal glands and keeps dangling them over your head just out of your reach.

And how do you make a bully go away? By ignoring him. Which is really fucking hard when you’re trying to ignore your body preparing for a fight-or-flight reaction to fear- rational or not.

It took most of afternoon before I managed to get things under control. It left me exhausted and still slightly breathless as if my lungs are pockets that just aren’t deep enough for a full breath. The feeling isn’t quite gone, but at least I feel like I’m controlling it instead of it controlling me.

I’m sorry to be writing about stress and worry and anxiety so much these days- it is coloring so much of my life right now that it is disrupting my orbit a bit. I’m changing my life around it: running more, sleeping less, trimming down on the number and intensity of my obligations and activities, clinging to the Curmudgeonly Lion for dear life… By the time I come out on the other side of this I will have developed new habits and routines: although whether they are good habits or bad habits remains to be seen.

Anyway, the rain has stopped for now and so has the worry. So that’s all for tonight.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on July 18, 2015.

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