First Wind


It wasn’t just a good run, it was the kind of run that you dream about having: the kind of run where nothing hurts and your legs don’t get tired and you never run out of breath. It feels like you could run forever.

I didn’t get to go for a run yesterday. Not officially, although I did have to make a mad dash across campus when a training session went long and overlapped with a meeting in a different building by twenty minutes. I arrived breathless and upset. A guy in the elevator made a joke about the fact that I was carrying an umbrella and “was it raining?!” that I shot down with such a withering “No.” that I still feel guilty about it. But only a little. He was making a joke at my expense after all.

So that wasn’t much of a run for the day. Today I decided to make up for it by going an extra mile, but I never even felt it. It was a good run.

I’m so out of balance right now that I’m struggling to keep track of which end is up. The good moments are really good. The bad moments are disproportionately bad. The internet stopped working for about twenty minutes and I suddenly felt the weight of everything that I still haven’t gotten done crashing in on me. Just sitting at the kitchen table, where I normally work, I could feel the heaps of work around me: physical heaps deeper than my elbows. Is thought that I’d get around to clearing out away today and I didn’t and now I’m disappointed in myself. Somehow this reminds me of other disappointments hanging over my head that I’ve pushed into far corners of my mind so that I wouldn’t have to deal with them while I production. My mind, it turns out, is a hoarder: it just won’t get rid of anything without a fight.

Anyway, so it was a good run but now I need to turn in and get some rest. I’ll deal with the things that are bothering me tomorrow- not because I’m procrastinating, but because I don’t think I’ll be able to do much good if I worked on them tonight.


~ by Gwydhar Gebien on August 22, 2015.

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