For reasons that remain unclear, hysteria has not been far beneath the surface lately. In some moments I find myself in a state of normal frustration and then quite suddenly I will find myself overcome by an irrepressible need to cry or laugh. Usually when this happens it is because a sudden burden has lifted and all the feelings that I’ve bottled up suddenly need to be released. I’ve certainly been busy lately, but I wouldn’t have said that there has been a notable change in pressure to warrant this.

I was thinking about my natural strengths and weaknesses as I was driving home from campus. Tomorrow is a good friend’s birthday but I haven’t put a card in the mail. I’m not always very good about remembering people’s birthdays- definitely a weakness. I’m good at making lists- definitely a strength. On one hand, I’m pretty happy with the strengths that I have, but on the other hand I can see how those strengths might also be the sources of some of my greatest weaknesses too. But how does one know? How can I tell when detail orientated planning and organization tips over into obsessive compulsive behavior? How do I decide when I need to challenge my normal modus operandi and when it is healthy to continue with business as usual? I can’t help but think that this is how a person can get into a tailspin: a gradual drifting of one’s standards until there is suddenly too much momentum to pull out of it. I can’t help but notice how easy it would be to derail.

Lest anybody worry, I don’t feel that derailment is an imminent threat- hysterical laughter notwithstanding.

I just happen to be aware, at the moment, that a few minor course adjustments now might save me a lot of grief down the line if I could just figure out what changes to make. Surely these strong emotional outbursts speak to some weight on my mind that has either lifted or suddenly become too ungainly for me to continue to carry it with brute strength. Since I know that it exists, all that I need to do is define it- to make it finite.

Further thought is likely to be necessary.


~ by Gwydhar Gebien on October 8, 2015.

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