Wrong Side


I thought I might’ve gotten up on the wrong side of the bed, so I set a timer for twenty minutes and went back to sleep to try to start the day over. Even though I’d gone to bed early the night before, I hadn’t gotten much sleep. My mind kept dipping towards slumber only to jerk back to wakefulness time and time again until I finally gave up and went to read in the living room for several hours until I was finally tired enough to sleep through distractions. This, it turns out, was not a very restful sleep.

I’d gone to bed early in the effort to fight off a persisting low mood that had all the early warning signs of an oncoming depressive phase that I wanted to avoid if at all possible, but I woke up in the same mood. I had too much that I needed to get done to let the blues get the better of me. The morning reset seemed to help- I managed to get just enough sleep to feel refreshed and optimistic. I thought I might be able to handle my to do list after all.

The rest of the day seemed to be an exercise in frustrations. I’d signed up to drive for Uber and just needed to get the van inspected at the local Jiffy Lube, but it failed the inspection on account of some scratches in the bodywork: cosmetic flaws that weren’t worth the expense of getting them fixed, but enough to prevent me from being able to complete the sign up and waste forty minutes of my morning that could’ve been put towards something useful.

After that, I went to the bank to close down a production account for the music video that we recently completed. The transaction itself took ten minutes, but I had a good forty minutes of cooling my heels there as well. I suppose I shouldn’t complain: it gave me time to read the last issue of Variety and I got to speak with real people.

I tried to mail a birthday gift to my dad, but the box was too small which necessitated a trip to storage to get a bigger one which meant that I wouldn’t be able to go to the post office while I was out running errands without going home again first to wrap everything.

And so on. Everything seemed to have a hidden barb of inconvenience just below the surface. So now I’m back to The Feeling of having no energy and no motivation again. For now I can put it off: I have to for the sake of the end of the semester but I can feel it building up to really become overwhelming as soon as the pressure is off. I dread the day. In the meantime I just hope that I can sleep well tonight. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get up on the right side of the bed to begin with.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on December 8, 2015.

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