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Hmmm… usually guidebooks have pictures…

I am finding that I don’t enjoy vacation as much as I should. Without my usual “busy-ness” I feel adrift and distracted. Time seems to be slipping through my fingers at an alarming rate and yet I can’t seem to do anything about it. Simple tasks like remembering to put the registration card in the van or putting all the envelopes from the Christmas cards that we’ve received into one pile seem insurmountably tiring and complex. And there is still a box full of production paperwork from one of the films that I worked on over the summer that is hanging over my head. I keep dreaming about it. As I sit here writing this I’m avoiding going to bed because I always find myself thinking about it when I try to fall asleep.

I have a lot of these unresolved thoughts swirling in my head these days. For months it has been easy to push them back into the dark corners and ignore them, but now that my attention isn’t totally focused on the next deadline they are hovering at the corners of my awareness just waiting to seize my attention. Every so often my thoughts will take a sudden turn and I will find myself suddenly overwhelmed with weariness, or sadness, or anger, or frustration over some unresolved problem from months or years in the past. My ability to Let Things Go is reaching new lows. As a result, my tolerance for criticism is approaching zero: even well-meaning and constructive comments stick in my mind as rebukes that I ought to be ashamed of in some way.

I wish that I knew what to do about such bad mental habits. I know that I should face the things that are bothering me in order to resolve them so that I can put them away and not think about them anymore, but many of these thoughts are so old and sticky that I can hardly muster up the energy to chew them over one more time only to get mired in the same mental conundrums that caused them in the first place. I suppose that all I can do in the meantime is take care of one small task at a time. Make the bed. Put away the shoes. Mail the letters. Clear the table. Make a list.

A list. That seems like a good place to start.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on December 22, 2015.

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