Self Presentation


Now what?

I find myself once again asking: who am I? What do I stand for? Why do I do what I do ( namely, film)?

In my directing class we are doing presentations of our directing styles. It’s a good way to get to know someone: to see their work and to hear how they talk about themselves. I have, perhaps, a bit of an advantage in that I’m not scheduled to present until next week, which gives me a chance to think about what I want to say in a little more detail. One thing that I find telling is that nearly everybody who has presented so far has shown work that they did before coming to USC. Looking back on my own body of work, I’m likely to do the same. I think this might be because the work that I did before coming to USC was work that I had much more complete creative control over. I didn’t know the rules so I didn’t worry about breaking them, I just did what worked for me at the time, so while it may not be my most polished work, it is a much more complete representing of how I work.

Maybe it is because the working world looms on the horizon, but lately I’ve been asking myself: what would I do if I couldn’t do film? I don’t really know: even if I got a boring desk job, I can’t imagine not writing or drawing or making little films on the side. It’s not the nightmare of production that I love, it is the storytelling. What would I do if I couldn’t tell stories anymore? When I try to think of it there is only a blank spot where an answer should be. I imagine that it would involve a lot of staring at the ceiling.

I think that I might use filmmaking as a way of discovering myself. Every story that I tell is a little splinter part of my personality that is either chipped off of my reality or else cemented into my identity so tightly that I can name it and call it a part of myself. There are all these lives that I will never lead, all these accomplishments that I will never have, all these qualities that I don’t possess: and I’ll only really get to know myself by discovering what is left.

Well that got abstract fast. It’s late. I’ve started waxing philosophical. Guess it’s time to call it a night.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on February 2, 2016.

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