Break’s End

At last: the final day of the break. I don’t want to sound ungrateful- I’ve enjoyed having time to relax and gather my wits, but the more time that I’ve had to think the more time I’ve had to get myself wound up.

The past few nights it has taken me nearly an hour to fall asleep and only the slightest noise to wake me up (Last night it was the sound of a cat preparing to barf on the bed. There is no sound more motivating than the sound of a cat preparing to barf.) Sleep, on the whole, has been shallow and tense and I wake up with a tight chest and a sore jaw feeling unrested and restless for the rest of the day.

I’m about to go into production again. I think that is where the worry is coming from. You would think that I’d be able to handle my production jitters by now, but they seem to come back in force with each new project. After my episode of anxiety last summer I sometimes think I’m more afraid of the anxiety than of the actual production related worries, which makes for a bit of a vicious cycle. And sleeping poorly doesn’t help.

I went for an extra long run in an effort to burn off some of the extra energy. It used to be that a four mile run would leave me so tired that I could sleep like a baby. Now I’m just happy if it forces me to loosen up my chest (which it did, thankfully- it’s hard to take deep relaxing breaths when you can’t get a full breath). I needed some time to take my brain offline for a while.

I’m about to enter the final half of my final semester in graduate school. From now until mid May, my schedule is going to be wall-to-wall, rock solid. After May, my schedule is a complete unknown- a vast dark place on my mental map labeled only with “Here There Be Dragons” and I’m sailing towards it on the faith that the world will turn out to be round instead of flat.  I mean, who wouldn’t be sleeping like a baby?

Anyway, normally on Sunday I’d write up my margin-notes poem for the week, but I don’t have my notes on front of me so I’ll have to write that up tomorrow instead. After a good night’s sleep.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on March 20, 2016.

One Response to “Break’s End”

  1. I just posted a video on how I reduce my anxiety. Simple changes in my everyday life. Maybe that could be helpful for you.❤️

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