Easter Sunday

Our observance of the Easter holiday consisted of eating lamb and calling home. After reaching some of the stories about Easter egg hunt turning into greed stampedes, I think that playing it low key was not the worst way to spend the day.

I felt obligated not to work: it being a holiday and all, but not working gave me plenty of time to stew about all the things that were coming up in the next week and begin to quietly freak out about them. I tried to stifle the whirling thoughts by lying very still, face down on the bed. When this didn’t help, I got up and washed all of the dishes, made banana bread, called home, organized the stacks of paperwork beginning to form drifts on the breakfast bar, did a session of arm toning Pilates, and finally gave in and did some paperwork for production.

At last I felt better.

I wish that I didn’t have feelings like this. I wish that I could just shake it off and relax like a normal person. I feel like I must have known once but have somehow forgotten in the same way that I once knew what was so exciting about playing outside while now I just worry about sunburn. Can I get it back? And if so, how? And do I really want to or do I secretly like this feeling of constantly being wound up because it makes me feel special to always be doing things? The problem may be right under my nose and I’m just too close or too proud to see it.

Anyway, it probably won’t be a problem for the next few weeks: I’m not likely to have enough down time to worry about whether I’m relaxing enough.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on March 27, 2016.

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