Yeah, kinda feels like that sometimes.

Yeah, kinda feels like that sometimes.

Every so often I will re-read something that I’ve written and be pleasantly surprised by the fact that I’m not completely mortified by it. I suppose that sounds like I’m damning my own writing with faint praise, but I always worry that my younger self will prove to be embarrassing to my older and wiser self with the benefit of twenty/twenty hindsight.

But sometimes I surprise even myself, which is nice. Sometimes I even find myself feeling impressed: “Wow!” I’ll think, “I actually made a pretty good point there and wrote about it intelligently and with insight.” This feeling will quickly be followed with: “Wow. What have I been writing about lately? Was it intelligent or insightful or was it about my cats?”

Lately, the harder that I try to force myself to write, the less I seem to be able to actually do it. The mental space that I can sometimes cultivate, which makes writing feel satisfying and interesting, feels like it is sealed under glass- I know that it is there, but I can’t seem to access it. Sometimes I will slip into this mind-space effortlessly and have to struggle back to the real world. This is not one of those times. And it is driving me crazy. I have time right now- I could be using it to do something that I actually enjoy and want to do. Instead, I put off the things that I want to do and focus on doing dishes. And laundry. And all the minutia of life.

I told myself that I was going to sit down and write today, and I did. Or I tried. When it came right down to it, I didn’t know which project to work on. I tried a few to see if any of them jumped out at me. Mostly I did a lot of re-reading and not a lot of writing. No matter what project I was working on, I felt like I should have been working on something else. I finally gave up in frustration. If I knew the secret for breaking out of this cycle, I’d be the most prolific writer/artist/filmmaker in history. All that I can do, though, is wait. And keep trying.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on June 15, 2016.

One Response to “”

  1. “Every so often I will re-read something that I’ve written and be pleasantly surprised by the fact that I’m not completely mortified by it.” lol loved it

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