You missed a spot.

On the down side, my application was rejected because I failed to check one box and because my margins were off. But on the plus side, I didn’t have to wait until April to know whether or not I need to clear my schedule for the summer and/or the next few years. Turns out I still get pretty salty about rejection, though. It wasn’t a mortal blow, or anything, but it still stung. Margins and an unchecked box seem just a tiny bit overzealous. I mean, I know went they do it- the whole point of the program was to develop detail oriented,  precise, focused workers, but still… even I have limits to my perfectionism. 

If I’d been more Johnny-on-the-Spot and gotten the application in early I might’ve been able to revise it and send it back, but it was too late for that this go-round. I was half tempted to correct it and send it back anyway as a matter of principle: it may not get me in the program, but darn it I can make revisions, but I’m not sure I want to pay for a second round of postage just to make a snotty statement about my self righteousness. Avarice over pride I guess. Maybe I’ll try again next year.

I keep hoping that I will learn how to better handle rejection. That seems like a useful skill to have. I often feel overly sensitive to rejection and criticism- even gentle suggestions and subtle guilt trips. I might even be more sensitive to these implied and inferred failures that I am to the big obvious ones: big rejections I can allow myself to be angry about, little ones make me question my worth. 

In the times when I find myself questioning my worth, I sometimes wonder how far I could go if I didn’t have my own self doubt and occasional self loathing to hold me back. How much stronger would I be if I didn’t internalize  rejections based on checked boxes and margin sizes? Pretty damn far, that’s for sure. Maybe too far, which, I think, is why I hold onto those questions when I could do way better without them: what would hold me back from going over the edge if I refused to recognized any weakness or flaw? Perhaps nothing. Unchecked.

I’m not fully convinced that my current habit of internalizing criticism is a good one, but I haven’t quite figured out an alternative either. I guess that’s as much a part of life as rejection itself. 

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on December 9, 2016.

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