I took a break for the length of an apple, and by the fading light of the day contemplated my own mortality while staring off into the great Bed, Bath and Beyond. I would have preferred a more scenic view, but let’s face it this is America and I might as well enjoy the ostentation ( is that a word? It is now) of capitalism while it lasts. Do I sound rather dramatic? I’ve been reading a lot of Facebook lately: a bad habit, to be sure, but a part of me feels like if I logged out I wouldn’t know anything that was happening. Ignorance may be bliss, but apathy does not lead to a just and equitable world. 
My problem is not apathy so much as helplessness. Or, at least, perceived helplessness: each new day brings another new turn of the political game in which my voice would just be another voice lost in the screaming cacophony of fellow Americans, heard perhaps, but ignored. Who am I to say who sits in the cabinet? Who am I to say whether our image as a country is regulated by independent press? Who am I to say whether the election was hacked or the pipeline diverted or the constitution overridden? 

And I want to speak out on these and other subjects, but there doesn’t seem to be much point. I live among many like-minded people: if I add my voice would it to anything besides make the shouting match louder? Do I have the right to raise my voice on state issues in states where I do not live? Does my opinion even matter? 

I find myself frozen in place: other people have Fight or Flight- I have Freeze. My mind is so full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if/thens’ that I’m struggling to hear the voice that says ‘go’, ‘move’, ‘speak’. What am I waiting for? Clarity, perhaps, or an ideal- a single, clear rallying cry behind which I am prepared to stand.  I haven’t heard it yet, and maybe it isn’t coming. Perhaps it is my own voice that must be responsible for speaking this thought into existence. Perhaps if I wish to be a director I should begin with my own life.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on December 13, 2016.

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