Maybe it’s time to look beyond the courtyard.

From the westbound platform of the elevated train, it is possible to see the distant hills. If day is clear enough, it is possible to make out the tall white letters that read HOLLYWOOD between the shoulders of the buildings along the Wilshire corridor. This is the view that I contemplate while I wait for the train, watching traffic passing below my feet. Every day I find myself at this crossroad, considering the distant hills and searching for direction even though I already know which way I am going to go. Do I doubt myself? Or am I just looking for a bigger picture? A worldview beyond arm’s length, wider than the screen of a phone. 

Perhaps it is the end of the year that is making me philosophical. Looking back on my resolutions from last year I find that my habits have become very lax in the past few weeks: I no longer track my daily accomplishments nor feel the same driving need to do so which motivated me so strongly for the past few years. Is this a sign of some change in my mental state? And, if so, then what does it signify? Is it the Loss of Interest associated with depression? Is it a sign of disordered thinking? Is it the result of stress? Have I simply outgrown the resolutions and need something new to spark my commitment again? What is the bigger picture? 

With the coming of the new year, I am going to need to give some thought to what new direction I might like for my life to go. The world is changing around me and perhaps it is time for me to myself as well. 

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on December 20, 2016.

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