Low Key

Also, Fight on.

Also, Fight on.

The television knows that it is time for me to turn in, even if I don’t. Every night, it turns itself off, perhaps sensing that I’m not actually there watching and that I’ve only turned it on for company in the other room. As much as I enjoy my solitude, the house does feel empty without the structure of my usual routine, although I imagine that will resolve itself tomorrow when I go back to work. After the quietude of the past week between the holidays, I’m not really looking forward to jumping back in full bore, but I guess it has to be done and there’s no sense in drawing it out any more than necessary.

It was a low key day: I caught a bit of the Rose Bowl parade on television, but missed seeing the stealth bomber fly over the neighborhood since I hadn’t yet contrived to drag myself out of bed. I realize that having a stealth bomber fly over the parade route is intended to be a gesture of showmanship and, perhaps, patriotism, but it does also feel very slightly ominous. Maybe I’m the only one who feels that way and I ought to go ahead and  make myself a tin foil hat.

I listened to the broadcast more than I watched it, instead choosing to spend the time in the dining room hemming the curtains that have been hanging in pins for over a year. What a relief to cross that off my list! I washed table linens and collected clothes for the dry cleaners (which were, alas, closed), hung out with a friend and discussed Italian superhero movies, went for a run, had a phone call with a family friend, etc. Like I said: a low key day.

For most of the afternoon, I found myself staring at my reflection in various mirrors around my house, trying to see myself with new eyes. There is a part of me that longs for something: I’m not even sure that I can articulate what it is that I’m seeking, only that I feel a call to change that makes me want to do something- anything, to try to make a difference. At the same time, there is a part of me wondering who I am now and how I came to be here. It’s easy to trace to individual physical steps, but the emotional arc of my life has taken a somewhat circuitous path disrupted by the demands of graduate school and general adulting that has gotten me a bit out of touch with myself. Perhaps it is the changing of the year that is bringing all these feelings to the surface, or perhaps it is having so much time to myself that is giving me the space to turn inward. Whatever the reason, I feel certain that the coming months are going to be very interesting indeed.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on January 2, 2017.

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