That Old Feeling


Waiting Woman by Paul King

The unmade bed should have been my first clue. Usually, I find the casual disorder of an unmade bed to be distracting to the extreme, but for the past few weeks it has simple seemed like too much hassle to straighten it. Usually I take great pleasure in making lists and setting goals and measuring progress in the accomplishment of daily tasks, but now I find the act of making a list rather dull and pointless: I never cross anything off it. Most of my new years resolutions have withered on the vine, or at least descended into half assery. If I’m honest with myself, this has been coming on for a long time, but I was compensating with the creative output of writing. Now the muse has escaped me and I’m left to take stock of my life without excuses or distractions.
I’m not unhappy: I wouldn’t call it depression, but it does feel a bit like the beginning of a Mood of some kind. The restlessness has returned. I’m still temping at a payroll company and between taxes and awards season there is plenty to keep me busy: I graduated from answering phones to stuffing envelopes to cutting checks- it’s not difficult work, just detail oriented and mind consuming. I find it easy, pleasant even, to focus for long periods of time on the routine of it and I go home at the end of the day worry-free and happy to be paid, but there is a little voice beginning to remind me that this isn’t what I should be doing with my life and I ought to start figuring out what the next step will be. 

Ought to. 

I feel quite a bit of guilt about what I ‘ ought’ to be doing. I ought to be making phone calls and setting meetings and writing samples and applying to diversify programs and trying, trying, trying and getting rejected, rejected, rejected. And producing. Something. Anything. And finishing all those projects that I still haven’t cleared from last year. And what kind of leader am I who does nothing and can’t even muster up the energy to make the bed? 

I console myself with the fact that feeling like this means I’m recognizing the need for a change, I just need to make a decision about what form that decision will take. As long as I can keep myself moving forward, the answer will present itself: it’s just a matter of time. 

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on February 10, 2017.

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