And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth among the humans of earth.

In the distance, it was possible to see a red tractor making passes along the green field of the military cemetery, cultivating a crop of perfect gravestones laid out in orderly rows. In the low light of morning, this might’ve been a bucolic painting by one of the American Landscape artists, albeit one with a slightly grim undertone. 

Unsurprisingly, the subject of mortality has been on my mind a lot lately. Saturday was the day we finally took the cat to the vet to send him on to Valhalla. By Friday evening he had retreated inward into himself enough that it was clear that his time of taking satisfaction I this life was at an end and that letting him linger on would have been only for our benefit and not for his. It was the right time and the right decision, but not an easy one. Afterwards there was a sense of sadness, but also of relief. I’ve been struggling to let go of him in increments for the past two weeks, and now it was possible to say goodbye and to begin to move on into the party of life that no longer includes him.

I’m still haunted by a strangely loud silence that occasionally intrudes on my attention. There is an awareness of something missing that’s hard to let go of. This grief is selfish: I have no doubt that whatever awaits in the afterlife for cats that it is superlative to the mortal life on earth- which, let’s face it, for a pampered housecat is already pretty darn good. So mostly I’m feeling sorry for myself since I’m the one left behind, but I feel like I can go ahead and be selfish about this for just a little while. The Curmudgeonly Lion is feeling it too, expressing the sentiment in true curmudgeon fashion with the repeated admonition that “I told you not to get cats.” On this count, I have no regrets. 

So the weekend was a rather subdued one. The Lion and I both felt ourselves to be in a state of limbo, uncertain of what  we were waiting for the call of Destiny or if we were still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now that the week is beginning, we can at least begin to move- even if see don’t know what direction it might take us yet.


~ by Gwydhar Gebien on March 15, 2017.

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