Duck Shot Cramp


The Curmudgeonly Lion recently received a number of texts from me comprised of nothing but wall to wall f-bombs. 

I’ve been trying to teach my predictive spelling how to swear. Swear words are not a vocabulary that I use a lot, but when I do feel the need to unleash a curse you’d better believe that I’m in an emotional state that merits the explicative. And I defy you to find something more infuriating than having all your anger turned into “ducking” and “frame it” and “sit”. 

Why rely on predictive spelling for such emotionally charged moments? Why not tap out the message letter by letter? Being one of those people with fat fingers (or poor conductivity in my fingertips) I find touchscreens to be infuriatingly unresponsive to begin with. Using Swype to spell out words without having to lift my swollen meat digits off the screen generally saves a lot of time and swearing. Except when it saves so much swearing that it won’t let me use it at all. I can understand why the programming would err on the conservative side: better to have swears accidentally (*accidentally*) come up as non swears than to be texting, say, a young niece about taking a photo of baby waterfowl resting in their nest. I mean if you’re trying to say “I was taking a picture and I tried to frame it so you could see the baby ducklings sitting in the nest” then you really, really don’t want to accidentally send “I was taking a picture and tried to damnit so you could see the baby fuckings shitting in the nest.”

That said, it would be nice to have the option of using blue language in the situations that merit it. Figuring that a standard dictionary might not come front loaded with a lot of curses I decided to try to train the predictive spelling to recognize my motion and to let me tap- to-add-to-the-dictionary those words that I wished to add to my proverbial toolbox. Thus all the texts to the Lion. I thought maybe it wasn’t enough to just type them without sending them for the dictionary to recognize the new content. So far it still hasn’t made much difference: ducking cramp shot dam. 

Anyway, it’s good to know that I’m being productive with my life and that I’m using this phenomenal piece of technology for the good and enlightenment of humankind. I’m a good person. I do such noble things. Duck. Shot. Cramp. Damnit.

It is learning…

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on April 7, 2017.

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