Buildmind


It’s not a construction site until there’s a crane- otherwise it’s just a hole in the ground.


I’ve tried several times to sit down and write this post; and obviously failed to build enough momentum to gain any traction. It’s not just writing either: it took me a long time to wrench my mind around to the task of cutting payroll- a task that requires zero inspiration, but which does require a certain singlemindedness. 

If I’m continuing to map my mental states, then today’s mind was rather flighty and distractable. I didn’t find myself going deep into interludes of daydream, but rather flipping through the loose and ruffled pieces of my memory just to see what shook loose. Most of the afternoon involved having the second chorus and bridge of a song stuck in my head on endless loop. 

If I’m honest with myself, this even began before I got out of bed: somehow my internal clock set itself backwards by about two hours and woke me in the wee hours with absolute certainty that the alarm would be going off at any minute.

Any minute. 

Seriously, like right now.

Now.

Now it’ll go off…

Now.

After about forty minutes of this game I went ahead and looked at the display on my phone. I had nearly an hour to go. I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was neither sleepy nor tired and was not prepared to pretend for my benefit. So I just lay there with my eyes closed waiting for time to pass. 

It’s hard for me to tell what my mind is accomplishing with this mindset. I get the sense that it is hard at work rewiring itself, but on the surface I don’t really seem to be very productive. Maybe the reason for this mental distraction will become clear down the line. It’s the mental equivalent of a construction site: For now, it’s just a lot of earth moving, but eventually a building will spring out of the earth like it was the plan all along. 

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on September 20, 2017.

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