Yeah, yeah, whatever you say…
By the time I made it home yesterday, my energy levels had hit zero. The thought of doing anything- even something as simple a taking out the trash bins to the curb seemed like more than I had the energy to handle. I could blame the weather, or the time change, or low blood sugar or high hormones- the truth was probably some combination of all these things. I collapsed onto the bed and stared at the ceiling while persecuting voices enumerated my faults and told me all the things I was doing wrong with my life. 

What’s the point? Why bother?

The worst part of a fit of depression is the futility of it. The whispering suspicion that everything I do is a waste of time is infinitely worse than the mental name calling.  I didn’t have the energy to fight. When the bullying voices realized that I wasn’t going to be good sport, they ran out of material and drifted away. I was able to push myself up again and get on with my day. Because the trash needed collecting whether I had energy for it or not. 

I took out the trash and repaired my shoes and puttered around at a few other tasks around the house. I made myself get out the to do list yeast I’d written earlier in the day and crossed a bunch of things off. 

Look how much you managed to do. You’re doing just fine.

Another voice spoke to me now. The Angel on my other shoulder, I suppose. It was nice to know that if I had to listen to the opinions of voices that speaking in my mind that at least I had more than one voice to choose to listen to. 

I spent the rest of the evening eating leftover pizza, drinking Writer’s Tears and watching the Ken Burns Vietnam War special, which seems like a questionable choice considering my mood and mindset, but it seemed to help. By the time the episode ended, I felt like I was back on an even keel. 

I get these low swings from time to time. I suppose that I keep getting them right now due to all the end of year stuff that I have on my mind: the added burden of the approaching holidays and end-of- deadlines throwing my feelings into much sharper relief than usual. And, of course, the season, the time change, the hormones, and the blood sugar spikes/drops from all that leftover Halloween candy. So really I guess I have no one to blame but myself. 

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on November 7, 2017.

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