Reality Check Cutter

I was setting up new hires again: this time for loan out companies for performers who had appeared on some kind of television special. Among them, Lin Manuel Miranda, which seemed kinda special and fun. Oh yay- might get to cut a check for the creator of Hamilton, that’s cool.

Then I went and typed in his birth date, and realized that he’s only two years older than me. I was stricken in that moment with a sudden sensation of plunging into a crack between the plates of reality. I suddenly realized that even if I were struck, that very minute, by the lightning bolt of overnight success, and began sprinting along the (assured) path to fame and riches, which, let’s face it, only happens in fairy tales and even then as a form of punishment for hubris and vainglory, then it still wouldn’t unwrite the fact that right now, today, I haven’t put up a show on Broadway, written the soundtrack to a Disney feature, or managed to underscore a full year’s worth of political climate with my turn of phrase. I mean, what have I done with my life? What the hell am I doing with my life? What, exactly, am I waiting for?

The thought was as sudden and as piercing as it was irrational: I know that. Everyone’s journey goes different places in different times- that’s the necessary truth. Still, though, it hurts goddamn it, to realize that there’s another person out there living the dream while you perform data entry and make excuses.

Irrational or not, I feel some good can come out of this little dunking into my deep underground reservoirs of self doubt: namely, I certainly feel motivated to do something about it. I don’t know what, yet, and if I’m smart I won’t sit around thinking about it for too long, I’ll just jump in and start doing some things. The walls of the universe don’t get bigger by staying clean.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on February 23, 2018.

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