Tonic


Not actually me, but this is what I feel like.

Taking a personal day turned out to be the best thing that I could have done for myself. For a while now, I’ve been struggling with my own sense of inertia- at the beginning of the year I made all these plans and now, three months later, what progress did I have to show for it?

None.

But I’ve been busyeeeeee.” I tell myself.

But you’ve been procrastinatiiiiiiing.” My other self replies.

Both are true. Without a clear path to follow our an obvious next step to take it was easy to keep pushing off the decision making and the action taking to another day. Except for the fact that then I had to carry the burden of knowing that my goals were going unfulfilled.

At LEAST attend a day of Talent Week.” I told myself. “It might not give you any answers but at least it will put your mind in the right place for a day.”

That, I could manage.

Looking over the schedule of events, I chose Thursday to be my day off. It had the most panels about topics that I had in my mind: I could make a whole day of it.

So I took the day off of work and went back to my roots on campus. I was terrified: no joke. I felt like I didn’t have any business going back- I wasn’t a student, I already had a job, what did I think I was doing, anyway? I’d look silly. I’d look desperate. I’d look out of place. I wouldn’t get any writing done. I’d have to talk to people. I’d have to schmooze.

Eurgh.

All of this went through my head. It was nonsense, of course, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it. They say that procrastination isn’t laziness, that it’s a self-preservation mechanism that the mind uses to protect itself from stress and risk. Safer to stay home. Safer not to try. Safer to have a nap, a snack, a quick distraction. My body wanted to procrastinate like it was my job.

In the first panel of the morning, I sat near two people that I knew: both graduates, both high performers. I wasn’t alone. I was going to be ok.

Even as a person who LOVES me some solitude, I’m not ashamed to admit that I was relieved to not be alone. The rest of the day was a delight after that- I had familiar people that I could bounce off of in between meeting strangers, which gave me courage. I could practice what I wanted to say with prop Lee who already knew me so that when I was speaking with a stranger I knew what to say. By the end, I had begun to form a game plan in my mind of what I needed to do next. I felt like I’d taken a big step forward and was filled with enthusiasm for the next one.

Guys! This must be what extroverts feel like all the time!

So the experience was a success. I’ve gone down to the river and I feel reborn.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on April 13, 2018.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: