It’s greener, right?

It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say. For the past few days there’s been a lot on my mind and I’ve been having trouble articulating it, even to myself, so the thought of sitting down and trying to write a post has been pretty intimidating. I’ve dealt with it by not dealing it.

I comfort myself with the thought that I’ve been productive in other ways instead: I had a breakthrough in the chapter that I’m writing (although now I’m stumped again- I’ve written myself into a corner: a sex scene that I’m not sure advances the story). I put in some good time practicing the bass and feel like I’m starting to make some progress with the new exercises that the instructor gave me. I learned the name of the homeless guy that I wave to every morning when I’m walking to work. I ran into a couple friends that I hadn’t seen in months. Went to the library. Harvested the first ripe tomatoes from the backyard. Etc.

All in all, its been quietly eventful, but still I’ve had trouble writing about it. I find that I’m continuing to struggle with envy towards people who are more established and successful than me. Envy is a strangely difficult feeling to shake: it’s like looking into a mirror but seeing someone else’s reflection there instead of your own and discovering that their reflection casts a shadow over you that follows you no matter where you go. Really, the only way to escape it is to stop looking, but who can resist looking at our reflection?

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on June 6, 2018.

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