Welp, I’ve officially gone native: I’m looking into finding a therapist.

It’s not for anything in particular: I’m not currently In Crisis, in spite of the angst which has fueled a number of my recent posts. For all my existential dread, I’m sleeping fine and eating well and generally functional in my day to day activities. So I don’t believe that I need-with-a-capital-N Need help, which is partly why I’m looking: to start laying groundwork on a support system for when the Need does arise. Because it will. It’s just a fact of life.

My track record with counselors and therapy has not been great. In the past, my personal heuristics have followed the logic that if it’s something I can handle on my own then it’s irresponsible to tie up resources that someone else might need, and how will I know that I can’t handle it unless I try first? So inevitably by the time I actually Need help, it is because I’m in so far over over my head I’m beyond the reach of daylight.

And that’s not a good timeto get stuck with a counselor who’s used to talking coeds through homesickness or psych interns on their last week of a therapy rotation or a mentor who’s so overbooked that you don’t get a return call until a full week later.

I mean, not that any of these things have happened to me.

It’s also not a good time for someone to suggest deep breathing and exercise. By the time I ask for help, I guarantee I’ve already taken a lap around the block and counted backwards from one hundred by sevens and breathed deeply enough through my core to strike oil.

So I’m not good at asking for help and the times when I have asked, help has not been forthcoming.

So now: I’m looking for a therapist I don’t actually Need.

It turns out that there’s an organization that offers low cost therapy on a rolling pay-scale. And it happens to be in my building. In fact, it’s likely that I walked right past their door when I went to the blood drive last month. So it couldn’t be more convenient if it tried. And I’d been receiving the message to look into therapy from enough different sources (books, Twitter, my podcast, etc) for a long enough time that it was beginning to feel like a hint that I shouldn’t ignore. So today I sent in my contact info. Now I wait for them to call.

This will be the first test.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on June 13, 2018.

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