Small Progress: Smaugress


None of us slept well during the night, so most of the day was passed in a haze of sleepiness that coffee couldn’t seem to shake. Most of the day was smooth sailing, but sometime towards the end of the afternoon I began to fall back into frustration and anger towards EVERYTHING. I’m so tired of being angry. I was ready to go home to the empty house, plug in my earphones, and just start belting as loudly as I could to blow off some steam, but before I even made it to the front door my sister Bean arrived to visit.

So I sat and talked to her instead.

It was good just to put some thoughts out loud. Normally I hate talking about feelings because usually I start crying and then I feel hungover from it all. But I’m aware that there are some outstanding issues that I need to be working on, but which I’ve been keeping in a holding pattern in the back of my mind until I have the bandwidth to deal with them properly. Maybe that’s my problem: waiting for bandwidth. Maybe I just need to nudge the issues along inch by inch instead of trying to throw everything all nine yards.

Maybe I need to reframe my goal for addressing my personal character issues the same way that I’m reframing my practicing: maybe the goal is just to pick up the bass every day instead of having to dedicate a full hour to it. Tonight I picked it up, ran scales for ten minutes and moved on feeling like I’d actually done something even if it wasn’t for long. Maybe the same is true for insecurities and faulty thought processes: maybe I just need to run them over my brain a few times without trying to force an answer.

At any rate, by this time of night I’m thinking that sleep would probably be the most helpful thing all around.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on July 3, 2018.

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