I’m sitting here, trying to think about what I want to say for the day, but mostly I’m just thinking: “What the hell do I know?”

Not in a bad way: not in a “I’m-depressed-and-talking-down-on-myself” way, more in a moment of recognition that my level of experience is not, in the grand scheme of things, very deep. I might sometimes like to pretend that it is otherwise. There are certainly things that I’m pretty good at, and there are definitely things that I mentally file under the heading of “tried-that-and-am-not-doing-it again”, but over all there’s still a lot out there that I don’t know and right now I can feel the weight of that unknowingness on me.

Time went by at strange angles today. The night was spent beneath inadequate blankets in the restless slumber of someone listening for a cat threatening to soil the bed. I cracked my eyes briefly at dawn and considered getting up to go for a run, but failed to find enough external forces to cause my body-at-rest to obey Newtonian laws. The morning was punctuated by appointments, not least of which was taking the cat to the vet where Dr Free Spirit with her hematite beads and Buddha pendant, did not find anything obviously wrong and offered us a menu of options to go looking for further trouble and expense. I ordered the fecal testing with a side of prescription cat food: the veterinary equivalent of “just getting a salad”. But, you know, with poo.

And then the afternoon kind of drifted past without structure. I managed to put in a few loads of laundry. I managed to practice the bass for nearly half an hour before I sweat out all my fluids. I went for a run. I pulled up all the Bermuda grass growing in the garden bed. I endlessly surfed Facebook and Twitter. There seemed to be plenty of time to do it all and no hurry to do any of it.

But I didn’t write.

I want to, but now I think a part of me is scared to: to sit down and face the words again not knowing if they will speak to me. Usually my mind is churning over story elements all the time in the background, but today it was eerily quiet. And it was kind of a relief for a little while- my mind has been churning especially stridently lately so it was pleasant to have a break from the grinding of gears, but now I’d like it to come online again. I’m eager to get back to work.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on August 25, 2018.

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