My Mom read my posts from earlier this week (Hi, Mom!), and was evidently worried about my recent angst. She called to chat while I was still at the office so I waited until I was walking my commute to call her back so that I wouldn’t have a dozen office-ears listening in on the conversation.

“I read your blog from earlier this week…” she said, and I already knew how the rest of it was going to go. Not in a bad way: just the usual Mom-worrying-about-your-well-being-and-did-you-eat-your-vegetables way.

“You know,” she said. “Nothing says you have to get this book written by the end of the year.”

I know I harp on my writing a lot, and spend a lot of time making and tracking impossible goals for myself, but the truth is that my writing, no matter how frustrating or quixotic is my only shining beacon sometimes in a drab and infuriating world. It’s my escape from my mundane life. It’s a goal towards which I’m able to make measurable progress. It’s a hope of something better: a golden bridge leading to the possibility of wealth and acclaim.

It’s the thing I’m clinging to the most right now while everything else seems futile and stupid. I may have to get up every morning and carve off twelve hours of my youth to go write payroll checks, but as long as I’m making progress on the writing, I can tell myself that payroll is just For Now and doesn’t have to be For-ever.

How did I get stuck in this rut anyway? I keep trying to figure this out. Back in June I struggled with this same kind of intense directionlessness which led to some soul searching and self examination and then July and August seemed to be a new me. But here I am, right back to where I started and falling back into bad habits made worse by that fact that now I ought to know better.

Ah well- two steps forward, one step back I guess.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on September 6, 2018.

6 Responses to “”

  1. (Please forgive me I just got finished writing a paper for my geophysics class this week) I think being in a rut is a lot like an earthquake. It forms from all this pressure and stresses acting in opposite directions. And the longer it builds up, the bigger the earthquake is going to be. Because the pressure and stresses never end. But once the earthquake has happen you get some movement. Sometimes it’s only a few millimeters, but over time you can build the Himalayas.

    It’s like you said- two steps forward, one step back. But like over your whole life? That’s a lot of steps you’ll find yourself in a different place.

    I believe it 🙂 keep on writing

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