Start Again


I realize that the start of a new month is largely an arbitrary division between What Was and What Will Be, but even so: I’m glad that September is over. It was one of those months where things didn’t really seem to go as planned. I can’t even say that it was all bad: there were certainly some exceptional highlights, but overall I am struggling not to think of it as a rough one that I’m relieved is over.

October does not seem to be off to an especially noteworthy start, but I suppose that too is a relief considering some of the wailing and gnashing of teeth that took place on the first few days of last month. And I have Halloween to look forward to- which is especially enjoyable since I already have an idea for a costume that I’m working on. Part of this has involved shopping for costume pieces at Goodwill and part of this has involved experimenting with hairstyles and styling products which has been novel and new: I’ve never colored my hair before, even with the temporary spray on colors, and I found that I really enjoyed it. The color was supposed to be red, but came out as a kind of fuscia pink that I didn’t hate (surprisingly) but also didn’t cover very fully or last very long, so I’m considering doing something that I’ve never done before: temporarily dying my hair.

I emphasize ‘temporarily’ because I like my natural hair color a lot and I don’t really want to damage it. But in the other hand I really liked going around with fuscia hair for a day. And why the hell not? I only get to live once. I’m only going to get to be young once. The world is too infuriating and unpredictable right now to really feel like playing things safe: dying my hair fire engine red for a few weeks seems like pretty small potatoes in the grand scheme of things and who knows: it might give me just the boost of confidence I’ve been looking for to help step me towards my best life.

Because one thing is for sure: I’m not currently living my best life.

It’s not a bad life. I have a home and a job and the Curmudgeonly Lion and a few hopes for the future, but it’s not the kind of life I want to fill the pages of my biography with. It is as if I’m undergoing some kind of personality molt in which my old self has split down the back and a new bigger, brighter version of myself is emerging from out of the husk. I don’t really even know what shape this new me plans to take, only that the old way of doing things doesn’t suit me anymore: it wasn’t bad and certainly there were some highlights, but I’m ready to start again.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on October 1, 2018.

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