Mindfield


Mostly, I’m just sitting here watching the time drip past and trying not to think. As long as I don’t think, I don’t have to deal with my chaotic emotions- the day started off fine and I made it all the way do my desk at work before dissolving into tears. On the bright side, I’ve learned how to cry without crying my makeup off, so I guess that can be considered a silver lining.

I wish I knew how to shake these wild mood swings. I really don’t know from one minute to the next how I’m going to be feeling: wake up feeling fine, suddenly plunge into teary despair. Resume feeling normal. Rinse. Repeat.

This isn’t like the depression that I’m used to. This isn’t a feeling of numbness and futility with persecuting voices that question my self worth. In spite of all these Strong Feelings, my energy is consistent and my rational self is still perfectly capable of discerning between the voice that says ‘I feel bad’ and the voice that says ‘I am bad’. I’m still sleeping just fine. I’m still eating just fine. Just moody AF. Maybe it’s the moon. Who knows.

Whatever it is, the unfortunate side effect is that I find myself working to avoid the kind of deep thinking that I usually revel in: which is where much of my creative work typically takes place. I have managed to make some progress, but it’s like walking through a minefield to try to achieve creative flow without falling into an angst spiral. But the more times I try the better I get at finding my way, so I *think* I might be starting to come out on the other side of this.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on October 25, 2018.

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