Offstep


For the first time in several weeks, I sat down and wrote out a to do list. The month is shaping up to be a busy one, and if yesterday’s scattered attention was any indication of my overall mindset at the moment, then I surely need to build myself as much structure as I can to stay organized.

The tasks of the morning were mostly marked with obstacles and setbacks- trying to transfer money from my bank account was met with error messages. Trying to book a doctor’s appointment was met with scheduling issues. Trying to have a conference call with a writing partner was met with work conflicts. Etc. For the most part, these issues were minor as easy to compensate for (except the banking one- I suspect that one will turn out to be a goose chase), but I was glad to have them written down on a list to keep me focused.

The day seems to have leveled out somewhat since then: I’ve encountered fewer obstacles, but this is likely to be because I wasn’t pushing as hard towards a specific goal. I made some progress on my writing. I got some perspective on my year end review of 2018: I’ve decided not to send out a Christmas letter this year, but a part of me wants to at least draft up an overview of the 2018 experience. It was a year of progress without payoffs, personal evolution, social expansion, disappointed hopes, unrealized dreams, sideways moves, backtracking, sidetracking, distracting, unexpected adventures… It was not a year without drama, but it was not the kind of drama that lends itself to a Christmas letter. It certainly deserves to be chronicled: when the year is over, I expect that I shall ring it out with relief and glee and toast to its dying moments with the hearty satisfaction of knowing that it is one year that I will never have to live again. But I somehow suspect that all the hardest, sharpest, darkest moments of the past year: the frustration and doubts and anger and pain are cornerstones in the foundation of my life to come. It’s possible that a year from now I’ll look back and be able to recognize the forces at play as necessary and beneficial: that today’s disappointment is clearing a path to tomorrow’s better success.

I hope.

The bottom line is: I think I need to spend some time taking inventory of the past year, if only as a way of reminding myself of where I am now so that in future times I will be able to see how far I’ve come.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on December 3, 2018.

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