Eruptive


It was a little after five in the evening. I was sitting at my desk at work watching the clock tick down towards the end of the day. My mind kept wandering: work was slow and I was trying to use the downtime wisely: to write a letter or a blog post, or even just to avoid falling into my own mental oblivion of intrusive insecurities and overthinking.

Why hadn’t I heard from this friend in a few days? Why did that friend go out without me? Why hadn’t anybody noticed my haircut?

This last thought seemed to strike a nerve somehow. Suddenly I felt myself getting teary about it.

No one has said anything. No one has even noticed ‘something’s different’. You get half your hair cut off and nobody cares. Nobody cares about you. Nobody notices you-

The intrusive thoughts were gaining steam now, and even though I didn’t believe them they just seemed to get stronger and stronger.

so much for making a big change so people will notice you’ve changed.

Somehow, that was the one that got me: the sense of futility. Why bother? No one notices anyway. I’d been doing my best to breathe through the feelings, but now it was becoming too much. I fled to the bathroom and took shelter in the farthest stall where I could put my back against the wall and cry with deep, irrational, choking sobs that bent me in half.

Why?

I wasn’t sure. I’m still not sure. A co-worker came into the bathroom with her seven year old kid- off school because of the teacher’s strike. I struggled to keep my hysterics silent: I didn’t really want an audience for this. They babbled blithely on about counting in Spanish while I silently tore myself in half three feet away.

By the time they were gone, so too were my tears. I emerged from the stall with swollen red eyes and a red nose and washed my face in the sink until my eye makeup was gone. I wasn’t sure what came over me or why, but I was glad that it seemed to be gone even if it left me feeling wrung out and confused. I’d been feeling pretty good of late- more even keeled than I’d been in a long time and then suddenly this.

So I’m not sure what’s going on with myself at the moment. Sudden plunging mood swings aside, I don’t feel particularly despondent or frustrated. I spent the weekend around the house (not working like I thought I was going to have to do). My health seems to be good. I’ve been eating fewer sweets and drinking less alcohol and generally being pretty good about my exercise…

Just don’t know where this was coning from.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on January 14, 2019.

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