Fall Through

It’s a glamorous life I lead.

It was scheduled to be a busy weekend: meetings, parties, dinner with my sister, appointments, etc. Going into the weekend was like approaching a cliff of To Do and I didn’t even have a list.

Most of it fell apart.

People got sick. Meetings got cancelled. Get togethers fell through: it felt like all my best laid plans were slipping through my fingers. By Sunday afternoon I had reached my limit: we were supposed to go to a friend’s birthday party and I just couldn’t get up the gumption to leave the house. I messaged to say we wouldn’t make it, then spent the rest of the afternoon wracked with guilt: I’d given my word (I’d RSVPed!) and I wasn’t impeccable to it. It wasn’t that I had something better to do: I just couldn’t handle one more plan going haywire on me- especially one that would involve a lot of socializing with people I didn’t know very well.

I spent the afternoon at home injecting electricity into my skin with a home electrolysis kit as if performing some form of modern day penance. But I still feel guilty about not going.

It wasn’t until the sun was going down that I ventured out of the house for the first time all day to go for a run, which seemed to sooth my buzzing mind. I ran home with my face towards one of the most extraordinary sunsets I’d ever seen, and my back towards the rising Blood Wolf moon. For a minute I just stood on the sidewalk out in front of the house watching the colors fade as the evening wind blew out of the west and rustled the fronds of the date palm across the street. And I thought maybe it would all be ok.

So it was a weekend of things falling through, but I’m hopeful that the coming week will be more auspicious. It is shaping up to be a busy one, although who knows: clearly my plans are at the mercy of capricious gods who have agendas of their own. Maybe they will decide that it is more important for me to be present for a sunset or to bear witness to the eclipse of the moon. Or maybe it is a reminder that I’m merely human and should remember to be humble about my word and about the true limit of my power in a vast and complicated universe. And maybe to forgive myself and others for falling short now and then.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on January 20, 2019.

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