I’m not sure that I could say exactly what it was that changed, only that things were different now. I found myself sitting at my desk ruminating on one of the many topics that has been on my mind for the past year or so, only to discover that it was no longer bringing up the same raw emotion that it used to. My guts weren’t clenched in agitation anymore, my thoughts weren’t spiralling into an angst vortex, my breath wasn’t catching in my throat, my teeth weren’t grinding. Somehow I’d reached and crossed a tipping point in my personal journey and the calamity of feeling that had defined the past six months was gone.

What had changed?

I didn’t know.

Maybe I’d finally grown out of my old habits. Maybe I’d finally grown into my new ones. Maybe I’d finally recognized my self worth in a way that I could effectively communicate so that I now had a modicum of agency over my own life.

Whatever it was, it was a stupendous relief. It was pleasant to be able to go through a day without feeling like every turn was boobytrapped with emotional amushes that would reduce me to tears at a moment’s notice. My dreams stopped being unresolvably complex. My job stopped feeling like a glue trap. Life actually felt… manageable for a little while.

Just in time for everything to change.

It has been a busy week of social engagements: Monday was the Great Ramen Boondoggle, Tuesday was dinner with some new friends, yesterday was a meeting with my producer and her mentor for script notes on the Steampunk script that I wrote over Thanksgiving last year. Tonight was supposed to be a meeting with another producer about a potential collaboration, but it got postponed meaning it’s the one evening all week that the Curmudgeonly Lion and I will be able to have a normal dinner at home: tomorrow we are attending a housewarming party for one of his co-workers. We’re bringing our fire pit. House is gonna be W.A.R.M.

All in all, it’s been a bit much: I didn’t really intend for this week to be a Grand Tour, but opportunities kept lining up and I wanted to say ‘yes’ as much as I could before work got busy and buried me under six weeks of NO.

Because it’s coming.

February is traditionally the month when I’m so overwhelmed with work that my muse goes into overdrive and Imustwritethisfeaturescriptrightthisveryminute!!!

I’ve turned out two screenplays that way. It’s like NaNoWriMo only not a novel and not in November and I’m the only one participating.

At any rate, so it’s been a busy week but I’m feeling pretty good about it. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep up the good momentum next week with slightly fewer weekday obligations monopolizing my time.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on January 24, 2019.

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