Cauliflower Crumbles


“Does something smell musty to you?” The Curmudgeonly Lion asked as he drove me to the bus stop, his nose halfway wrinkled in uncertainty.

“It’s the cauliflower.” I said. I’d bought a “Burrito Bowl” at the dollar store that used cauliflower crumbles instead of meat figuring it would be worth a try. Gluten free! Steams in the bowl! I’d planned to bring it for a lunch meal one day, but the Curmudgeonly Lion had been cooking such enthusiastic portions of late that it was all I could do to keep up with the mounting hoard of leftovers. The burrito bowl had been left to molder in the crisper drawer for more than two weeks. Emphasis on molder. Every time I opened the refrigerator door I would catch a blast of fart-smell in the face.

I decided the time was now: today would be the day I tried cauliflower-as-a-burrito.

Evidently, thanks to the smell, this was not going to be a private experiment.

I kept catching whiffs of the cauliflower on the bus ride. I kept catching whiffs of the cauliflower on my walk. I could smell it in the elevator. I could smell it surrounding my desk even through the plastic container.

It was early, but I decided that I didn’t want to have to smell this the whole day until lunch time. If the cauliflower was smelling so very cruciferous while raw, it seemed likely that it would smell just as bad or worse when cooked, but I figured I might as well get it over with. If the co-workers complained, well, these were the same co-workers who liked to microwave fish and then close the smell into the microwave so that the next user would be blasted in the face with a warm, steamy queef of fish smell. So they could suck it up.

“Does something smell mildewy in here?” A co-worker asked as I went to throw away the bowl after eating the evidence. The smell was as bad as I’d feared, but the taste was ok: cauliflower crumble does actually make a pretty good taco substitute if you don’t mind a little bit of extra toothsomness. I confessed to being the purveyor of cauliflower, which seemed to be explanation enough. I wasn’t going to lie about it, and I already knew I never planned to buy it again, so there was little chance of an encore.

So that’s been my morning. Off to a farty start.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on March 20, 2019.

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