Proto Mood

I’m in a weird, suspended proto-mood right now. I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel good. I’m neither happy nor sad nor angry, but somehow all of these things at once. I’m feeling a lot of nothing. It’s like I’m waiting for something to tip the balance one way or another. It’s a frustrating and unproductive mind-state to be in: I want to distract myself with work, but every time I try to focus my attention on something I find myself wondering What’s the point? Why bother? And I lose steam.

I mean, I’m still trying. I’m making an effort to work on small tasks: the “At Leasts”. At least get the birthday cards written. At least follow up about that email address. At least make a to do list. I feel like I have very little control over my life these days: as if life is the side of a very steep mountain and right now I’m just pressed against the rock face trying not to look down and feeling for a path I can’t see. I’m not sure what I’m moving towards. All the things I want feel very far out of my reach.

Sorry if this is gloomy. That’s what this proto-mood is like. I’m hopeful that it will lift naturally: that with the right toehold I’ll be able to get some traction and I will be able to stop worrying about where I’m going and just worry about getting there.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on April 8, 2019.

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