Ambush Blues

So, it’s mental health awareness month, which is partly why I’ve been so open about some of my mood struggles lately. I go through periods of depression and I happen to be in one now.

It turns out that depression comes in different flavors. I’ve experienced the traditional version: extreme low energy and motivation, constant numbness, disinterest in everything, difficulty sleeping and exercising, etc. It’s miserable. It’s like spending weeks wading through glue. I like to think of this as Seige Depression: it surrounds you on all sides and strangles your resources.

The current version of my depression is more like Ambush Depression. My energy level is pretty good- until it’s not. My mood is pretty steady- until it crashes. My motivation and focus are on point- until depression swans into the room demanding all the attention and then throws a temper tantrum until it gets it. The uncertainty of it is the hardest part: am I going to feel cheerful and social today or am I going to self-isolate and curse all my friends for not noticing me? Am I going to find comfort in social media or is it going to be a minefield of triggers? I just never know, and it’s kind of a nightmare.

The good news is: I think I’m starting to emerge out the far side of the storm. My mood is still unsteady, but my sense of being in suspense is starting to lift: I’m beginning to see and feel progress again which at least gives me a sense of direction. Just the fact that I can say that feels like progress from a week or two ago.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on May 14, 2019.

3 Responses to “Ambush Blues”

  1. I cannot say I’ve ever felt low on energy until I am either utterly depressed or up long enough to feel exhausted. My energy seems rather steadily “up,” even when I lack motivation, or, rather “independent motivation” (telling myself to get things done). Most often, my depression is like spinning tires in a muddy ditch; I feel like I need to get going somewhere but can’t or won’t cross some barrier between idea and goal. And, the longer I dwell in that ditch, the more possibilities I conjure to explain why I’m not moving, sometimes excusing my inaction.

    One thing is apparently for sure…social media is NOT a remedy. It’s the equivalent of having a beer when you know you’re kicking the drinking habit. I get few if any kicks from the lousy champagne that is the internet. You’re better off watching some DVD or TV show you enjoy.

    I wish I could clear the fog once and for all for both of us.

    • Ohh I know that one too! I call it Dead-In-The-Water. It’s like being paralyzed and knowing all you need to do to save yourself is to raise your head just a tiny bit, but you can’t seem to do it. It’s THE WORST because everything else can feel fine and everyone just thinks it’s laziness

      • But, I am not dead in the water. I am like an ant tossed into a puddle, flailing but not moving in any positive/progressive direction (unless that progress is beyond my POV). I sometimes tell myself–to remain calm–that all will work itself out, no matter which path I choose. And, whatever I do or don’t do, each day, is but a grain of sand in a larger picture I have yet to see.

        HUGS Chin up, beautiful one.

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