Money Mood


If I’m honest with myself, the day started off in a Mood. Nothing was wrong exactly, just everything was Not Quite Right. Woke up too soon before the alarm, put the wrong lunch items in the wrong bag, bad hair day, etc. The world seemed to be especially full of sharp points and hard edges at a time when I seemed to be made entirely of bare feet and tender underbelly.

The biggest issue on my mind was money.

We had just gotten our plane tickets for a four day visit to Chicago to attend a family wedding. We’d known that it was coming, but we weren’t exactly rolling in spare cash- you know money’s tight when you start debating whether buying new underwear is a luxury or a necessity- but we waited too long to get a good deal and now we had to bite the bullet and just git ‘er done.

So we did.

Now I was trying to work out an itinerary of visits for all the family we needed to see and all the places we had to go, and all I could think was this shouldn’t be so hard. I’m a grown woman approaching my late thirties- I ought to be able to travel home to see my folks without resorting to austerity measures.

Which then got me thinking about the state of my income and the state of my job and the state of my saving habits and the state of my home ownership prospects and I worked myself into a pretty good swivet over it.

For all my hopes and expectations, this isn’t where I thought I would be at this point in my life. This is the kind of life I expected to have in my twenties- a few years or of school, still aglow with optimism, scraping to get by, but certain that it would all pay off any minute now! By late thirties I figured I’d be in a career instead of a job. I figured I’d have enough income to be able to consider some of it “disposable”- or, at least, disposable enough to afford new underwear without asking myself if I really needed it. Disposable enough to be able to fly home for a long weekend without spasms of guilt over the cost and a spiral of existential angst about my life choices.

Man plans, god laughs.

Anyway, I seem to have gradually gotten my head on straight as the day went on. The worry isn’t gone, per se, but at least it is down to background noise. So things aren’t quite what I expected, but that’s ok. Everybody has to struggle to make the payoff feel sweet. My job is steady. My work is good. Good things are coming and I can change the things that need changing. It’s all going to be ok.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on June 19, 2019.

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